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  #46  
Old 12-04-2006, 07:36 AM
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Science Class

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"

She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??"

Little Molly mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times

its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say.
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!!!"


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  #47  
Old 12-04-2006, 07:59 AM
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Love those,
Jim


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  #48  
Old 01-04-2007, 08:35 AM
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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those a$$hol*$ deducted $95.00 in taxes.


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  #49  
Old 01-07-2007, 11:05 AM
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B.Finnigan B.Finnigan is offline
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An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting
through a stack of resumes he found four people who
were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Thefirst man on his right, replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your
head.
There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is
the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man.

"Hmm.! Let me see. A BLINK ! It comes and goes and you don't know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.
Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling
so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
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  #50  
Old 01-08-2007, 08:14 AM
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One dead man

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one night. The wife rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on the chest of her husband.

"Honey," the wife said, "if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said, "Never, my dear."

The wife said, "I''m sure you would."

So the husband said, "Okay, I would"

"Would you let her sleep in our bed?" the wife asked.

And the husband replied, "I suppose so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?"

"I doubt she''d want to," the husband said. "She''d be so much thinner."


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  #51  
Old 01-08-2007, 10:30 AM
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A little girl went up to her father and asked, "Daddy, where does poo come from?" The father, just glad the question wasn't about babies, sat her down and started explaining. "Honey, when you eat food it goes into your tummy, and your body sucks out all the vitamins to keep you healthy. When all the good parts have been sucked out, what's left over comes out your butt as poo."
At this point the little girl was nearly in tears, "And... and...", sniffle, "And what about Tigger?"


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  #52  
Old 01-08-2007, 10:35 AM
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A man goes into a bar with a monkey, as soon as he enters the bartender tells him he can't have a monkey in the bar. The man says, "Oh, I'm rich and I'll pay for any problems the monkey causes." The bartender accepts this and the man sits down and has a drink. The monkey goes crazy running around eatting peanuts, cherries, and even a pool ball! The man pays for the damages and leaves.

The next week the same man comes in with his monkey, the bartender doesn't mind since he knows the man will make good on any damages. Just like before the monkey starts going wild and the bartender says, "Woah, did you just see that? Your monkey stuck a cherry up it's butt before eating it!" The man answers, "Well, after that pool ball he always checks to make sure it fits."


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Last edited by AwP; 01-08-2007 at 11:26 PM.
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  #53  
Old 01-14-2007, 02:38 AM
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B.Finnigan B.Finnigan is offline
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This little comedy routine will get a few chuckles out of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub6O-SBTYKo
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  #54  
Old 01-15-2007, 03:39 PM
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A new dog breed is being created every day. Some are cute and some make you go "why?". Here are some doggie breeds that failed...

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso (a dog that folds up for easy transport)

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound (a dog for financial advisors)

Collie + Malamute = Commute (a dog that travels to work)

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso (an abstract dog)

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever (the choice of research scientists)

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador (a dog that barks incessantly)

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point (owned by .... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway)

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere (a dog that's true to the end)


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  #55  
Old 01-15-2007, 08:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by B.Finnigan
This little comedy routine will get a few chuckles out of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub6O-SBTYKo
I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard.


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  #56  
Old 01-17-2007, 09:28 AM
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"


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  #57  
Old 01-17-2007, 10:20 AM
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Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence.

"My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."


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  #58  
Old 01-19-2007, 10:58 AM
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I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buyi ng it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.


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  #59  
Old 01-25-2007, 02:34 PM
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G.


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  #60  
Old 01-25-2007, 03:50 PM
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What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?








The Kansas City Chiefs.


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