MEMBER ITEMS FOR SALE
Custom Knives | Other Knives | General Items
-------------------------------------------
New Posts | New PhotosAll Photos



Go Back   The Knife Network Forums : Knife Making Discussions > Community Discussion Boards > Knife Network Community > The Watering Hole

The Watering Hole Weekends, girlfriends or happenings ... no knife talk allowed!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #76  
Old 01-15-2008, 07:33 AM
Wade Holloway Wade Holloway is offline
Skilled
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Runaway Bay, Texas
Posts: 664
I love that one.
Reply With Quote
  #77  
Old 01-22-2008, 02:11 PM
Carey Quinn Carey Quinn is offline
Skilled
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Georgia (Texan by birth)
Posts: 433
Stun Guns And Rednecks Dont Mix

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife? A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short -lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, while allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home, loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. NOTHING!!! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4' in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries. I'm thinking to myself, 'No possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and twitchy tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-B****!! That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.


__________________
Everything you do says something about who and what you are so ALWAYS sign your work with excellence.

You are cordially invited to check out my web site:
Handmade Knives by Carey Quinn
Reply With Quote
  #78  
Old 02-01-2008, 01:58 PM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELL! O: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a ####### to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a ####### to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #79  
Old 02-04-2008, 11:54 AM
Carey Quinn Carey Quinn is offline
Skilled
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Georgia (Texan by birth)
Posts: 433
Proud to be an American.

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return. It became very quiet in the room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; ho w many does France have?' Once again, dead silence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans ar ranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.' You could have heard a pin drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your ######### on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."


__________________
Everything you do says something about who and what you are so ALWAYS sign your work with excellence.

You are cordially invited to check out my web site:
Handmade Knives by Carey Quinn
Reply With Quote
  #80  
Old 02-04-2008, 07:53 PM
clk's Avatar
clk clk is offline
Steel Addict
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario
Posts: 110
one for our Irish friends

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."


__________________
-----------
Rod Brown
RKS 3846
Reply With Quote
  #81  
Old 02-05-2008, 05:05 PM
Carey Quinn Carey Quinn is offline
Skilled
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Georgia (Texan by birth)
Posts: 433
2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.


"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."


__________________
Everything you do says something about who and what you are so ALWAYS sign your work with excellence.

You are cordially invited to check out my web site:
Handmade Knives by Carey Quinn
Reply With Quote
  #82  
Old 02-27-2008, 02:13 PM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
Anchors Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, along with a U.S. Marine assigned to protect them were hiking through the Iraq desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis.They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the leader.

The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?" Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song 'O Canada' one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the butt," said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the butt.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt?" "What," replied the Marine, "and have you three jerks call me the aggressor."


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories

Last edited by Drac; 02-27-2008 at 02:29 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #83  
Old 02-27-2008, 02:19 PM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #84  
Old 07-23-2008, 03:37 PM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #85  
Old 03-22-2009, 07:20 PM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
What is worn under your kilt?

1. Why, shoes and socks, of course.
2. Why nothing is worn under my kilt. Everything under there is in perfect working order.
3. If you were a Lady you wouldn't ask. If you're not a Lady, you'll find out for yourself.
4. Lipstick.
5. Are you sure you want me to answer that question?
6. Nothing more than what God graced me with.
7. How warm are your hands?
8. Ah, well, can you see how long I wear my kilt?
9. Perhaps you should ask my Wife.
10.If I asked you the same question Maam, I could be arrested. What is the difference?


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #86  
Old 03-23-2009, 09:16 AM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
A Scotsman had been stranded on a deserted island for 10 years when he looked out and saw a boat on the horizon. He waves at them and sees a figure jump into the water and swim toward him.

After a few minutes a beautiful woman in a wet suit rises out of the water and walks toward him.

?When is the last time you had a cigar?? she asks him.

?Ten years? he answers.

She unzips a pocket on her sleeve and removes a cigar and lighter. She lights it for him and hands it over.

?That?s fine? as he takes a puff.

?When is the last time you had a sip of scotch?? she asks.

?Ten years? he answers.

She unzips a pocket on her other sleeve and removes a flask. She hands it over to him.

?That?s truly beautiful? as he drinks from the flask.

She unzips the front of her suit about half way down and looks him straight in the eyes.

?When was the last time you played around?? she purrs.

?Don?t tell me you have a set of clubs in there?!?!?


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
blade


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:55 AM.




KNIFENETWORK.COM
Copyright © 2000
? CKK Industries, Inc. ? All Rights Reserved
Powered by ...

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
The Knife Network : All Rights Reserved