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The Watering Hole Weekends, girlfriends or happenings ... no knife talk allowed!

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  #61  
Old 01-25-2007, 04:24 PM
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Drac Drac is offline
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Ouch!!

That's as bad as the one I heard when I lived up there. Went something like:

"Will the coach of the High School team that was on a group outing last Sunday please return and pick up their players? They're beating the Chief 42 - 0."

Jim


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Last edited by Drac; 01-25-2007 at 04:28 PM.
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  #62  
Old 01-25-2007, 06:07 PM
dmarx dmarx is offline
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How to get even with an annoying passenger

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train..


1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Open this email.

6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

7. Then hit this link:

http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
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  #63  
Old 02-01-2007, 10:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Garrett
What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?


The Kansas City Chiefs.
I thought that was the Patriots.


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"Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to" - Arnold H. Glascow
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  #64  
Old 02-01-2007, 12:02 PM
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If they can't figure out what sport they're watching, could be the Houston Texans.


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  #65  
Old 02-05-2007, 04:30 PM
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She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."

He embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."


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  #66  
Old 02-14-2007, 01:50 PM
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Cool Test

http://www.elks590.org/main/cooltest.htm


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"Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to" - Arnold H. Glascow
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  #67  
Old 03-27-2007, 10:59 AM
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Haven't been around awhile so to prove I'm not dead here's a few I got from a parade equipment supplier:

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, ?Yes, General, I?ll be seeing him this afternoon and I?ll pass along your message. Meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.?
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, ?What do you want??
?Nothing important, sir,? the airman replied, ?I'm just here to hook up your telephone.?
__________________________________________________ _______________

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
?Your jeep stuck, sir?? asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
?Nope,? replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, ?yours is!?
__________________________________________________ _______________

Officer: ?Soldier, do you have change for a dollar??
Soldier: ?Sure, buddy.?
Officer: ?That?s no way to address an officer! Now let?s try it again! Do you have change for a dollar??
Soldier: ?No, SIR!?
__________________________________________________ _______________

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He?ll tell you.
__________________________________________________ ________________

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn?t think he?s a fighter pilot.
__________________________________________________ ________________

The old general was out walking when he was stopped by a beggar.
?Don?t refuse a trifle, sir,? said the beggar, ?I?m an old soldier.?
?An old soldier!? replied the general, ?Well, I?ll test you. ?Shun! Eyes right! Eyes front! Stand at ease!? He stopped, then asked, ?What comes next??
?Present alms,? replied the beggar hopefully.
__________________________________________________ __________________

An army cook, stationed in Korea, wanted to create an impressive letter to his girlfriend, but he wasn?t quite sure how to go about it and still tell her the truth. Then, one day, the solution came to him while he was preparing eggs.
?As I pen these inadequate words to you, keeping in mind the regulations of the censor, shells are busting all around me.?
__________________________________________________ __________________

During an interview in Vietnam, a pilot, married with three kids, was asked how high he generally flew his jet on combat missions. His reply: ?I notice the flak exploding around me. That?s the first thing I do. That means I?m flying too low. I just add 1500 feet for my wife and 500 feet more for each of my kids.?
__________________________________________________ __________________

Back from a twenty-mile hike, the exhausted men stood in ranks listening to an officer ask for volunteers for an additional ten miles reconnoiter. ?All those too tired to march will step three paces forward,? he commanded.
All the men stepped forward except one, a private who stood his ground. The officer was disgusted with the entire company. ?No guts!? he growled. Then he walked over to the one man who had failed to step forward. ?Congratulations, Private. You are a credit to the Army. You, soldier, are the only one willing to march twenty miles more.?
?Who, me?? muttered the GI. ?I think you misunderstood me, sir. I couldn?t even march those three paces forward!?
__________________________________________________ __________________

An officer accepted a pair of brightly shined boots by his orderly. ?Soldier, you?ve brought me a black and a brown boot. Can?t you see that you?ve brought me the wrong pair??
?Sir,? the orderly replied, ?your other pair is exactly the same as this.?
__________________________________________________ __________________

A man was serving a tour of duty in South Vietnam. He wrote home to his wife that he had received a form requesting an answer to the question ?What do you plan to do upon leaving the service?? He told her that his response was four words: ?Cartwheels and more cartwheels!?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

An elderly captain of a destroyer had a ritual each morning while at sea. His lieutenant commander noticed that his boss would go to the wall safe, take out a piece of paper, bow his head and murmur a few seemingly pious words. This went on everyday for many months during the war.
Finally, the commander retired and his lieutenant commander was promoted to fill his place. The very first thing the lieutenant commander did was to open the safe and take out the wrinkled pieces of paper. He read these words: ?PORT ? Left. STARBOARD ? Right.?
__________________________________________________ ___________________

The chaplain at a rear base in Vietnam was asked about his capacity for shelter if the base was ever bombed. Just how many GIs could sleep in his church?
?I?m not real sure,? the chaplain answered. ?But on a good Sunday morning, if things are fairly quiet around her, we manage to sleep about 150.?


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  #68  
Old 04-04-2007, 12:53 PM
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The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest.. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"


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  #69  
Old 04-06-2007, 10:58 PM
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DaveRuhlig DaveRuhlig is offline
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That is awesome Jayson!!


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"The choice isn't between success and failure; it's between choosing risk and striving for greatness, or risking nothing and being certain of mediocrity." - Keith Ferrazi
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  #70  
Old 12-27-2007, 04:42 PM
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Talking

Been to quiet around here...

Here are a couple new ones-

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. Friday night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a cam-corder nowadays no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantia! l tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60' s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory, which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, go compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

__________________________________________________ ________________________

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

__________________________________________________ ________________________

HANDY ENGINEERING CONVERSIONS

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
100 Senators = Not 1 decision

__________________________________________________ ________________________

For those from Michigan:

+70F (21C) and above
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Michigan go swimming in the Lakes.

+60F (16C)
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Michigan plant gardens.

+50F (10C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Michigan sunbathe.

+40F (4C)
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Michigan drive with the windows down.

+32F (0C)
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

+20F (-7C)
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.

+10F (-12C)
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0F (-18C)
People in Miami all die...
Michiganders lick the flagpole.

-20F (-29C)
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Michigan get out their winter coats.

-40F (-40C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.

-60F (-51C)
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Michigan Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.

-80F (-62C)
Mount St. Helens freezes.
People in Michigan rent some videos.

-100F (-73C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

-297F (-183C)
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Michigan complain about farmers with cold hands.

-460F (-273C)
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-500F (-296C)
Hell freezes over.
The Lions win the Super Bowl


Jim


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  #71  
Old 12-27-2007, 05:28 PM
mike koller mike koller is offline
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when Hillary's daughter was over seas she spoke to the troops about their fears... "All of you are so brave, do you not fear anything?" The crowd replied... "Osama, Obama, and your momma".


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Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so
that you may not be dependent on anybody.
1 Thessalonians 4:11-12
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  #72  
Old 12-27-2007, 10:21 PM
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Smile the Cowboy whisperer





A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the
Black Hills.

Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I
speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at
the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day,
feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once
a week to play."


Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he
rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a
lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."


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Quote:
push on the chain ???
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  #73  
Old 01-11-2008, 02:52 PM
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The Half-Wit.......

A man owned a small ranch in Colorado . The State of Colorado claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," said the agent

"That would be me," replied the rancher.


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  #74  
Old 01-11-2008, 04:14 PM
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A Mets fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.

One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirror but still didn't see anything.

He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four doors they would be called chicken sedans.

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________

During a trial in a small town in a southern state of U.S., a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said: "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I can guarantee you spending the rest of your life behind bars for contempt!!"

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________

Two hunters, Billy and Bob, are out in the woods. Billy lets out a blood-curling yell; when Bob goes to see what happened, he finds that Billy had been taking a leak and got bitten on his privates by a rattlesnake. "Bob, call the doctor!"

Bob pulls out his cell phone, calls the doctor, and says breathlessly, "Hey, Doc, we have an emergency! Billy just got bit by a rattlesnake! What should I do?"

The doctor responds, "This is VERY serious. You need to extract the venom and get him to an ER as fast as you can!"

Bob asks, "How do I extract the venom?"

The doctor answers, "You have to make two small cuts on the wound, then suck the venom out. If you don't do this immediately, he won't make it to the ER!"

Bob says, "OK, Doc, I understand, thanks!" and hangs up.

Billy asks, "What did the doc say?!?"

Bob responds, "Doc says you're gonna die."

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________

Eternal questions:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why do people drive on parkways and park in driveways?

How can you draw a blank?

Why do people ask "What's up?" when you're feeling down?

A well used phrase is, "That?s the best thing since sliced bread", referring to any new and useful invention. The question is, what was the best thing before sliced bread?

Whenever an accident is nearly avoided, especially one involving aircraft, it is nearly always referred to as a Near Miss. Shouldn?t this be a Near Hit? "I nearly missed that 747" implies that "I hit the 747".

Why is dyslexia so difficult to spell?

When sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their picket signs?

Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines?

Before the light bulb was invented, what appeared over people?s heads when they had an idea?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn?t live there?

Why isn?t "PHONETICS" spelled like it sounds?

When you?re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

It?s the early bird that gets the worm, but the second mouse that gets the cheese.

If you spin an Oriental person around and around, does he become disoriented?

If the "Black Box" flight recorder is never damaged during a crash, then why isn?t the whole plane made out of it?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why does the word monosyllabic contain five syllables?

If you wear an antennae to a wedding, is the reception better?

If you always buttered your bread on the other side, would you never drop it?

If a cat always lands on it?s feet and bread always lands buttered side down, what happens if you butter some bread and strapped it to the back of the cat?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why do we use the phrase "recorded earlier"? Is there any other time you can record it?

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box, what color would it change?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll
give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say


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  #75  
Old 01-14-2008, 07:16 PM
Carey Quinn Carey Quinn is offline
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Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man f ind land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough think he improve system like that."


Carey


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