MEMBER ITEMS FOR SALE
Custom Knives | Other Knives | General Items
-------------------------------------------
New Posts | New PhotosAll Photos



Go Back   The Knife Network Forums : Knife Making Discussions > Community Discussion Boards > Knife Network Community > The Watering Hole

The Watering Hole Weekends, girlfriends or happenings ... no knife talk allowed!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #16  
Old 07-07-2006, 11:55 AM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go back and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-18-2006, 08:31 AM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-24-2006, 02:10 PM
peregrine peregrine is offline
Enthusiast
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 63
Another short one

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and

proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy,

"Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be

able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."



http://www.aliensphere.com
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-24-2006, 04:27 PM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So, the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-18-2006, 09:31 AM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 08-18-2006, 12:32 PM
Ice Tigre's Avatar
Ice Tigre Ice Tigre is offline
Master
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Fairbanks, ALASKA
Posts: 862


G.


__________________
http://ak-adventurer.net/

Gary Blessing,
Ex-custom knife maker, Ex-Folder modifier & embelisher.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 08-31-2006, 02:52 PM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
From a co-worker; I've seen them before for a different town, so probably internet myth, but #### funny.

The following 15 comments were recorded from actual Dallas Police car Videos and distributed by Director of DPD Public Relations Office!

15... "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

14... "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13... "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12... "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

11... "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, HUH?"

10... "YES SIR! By all means you can talk to the shift supervisor, if you think it would help. Oh yes, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9... "WARNING? You want a warning? O.K. I'm warning you that when you run that stop sign again, I'll give you another ticket."
8... "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.......Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

7... "FAIR?? You want me to be fair?? Listen pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horsey doo!!"

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5... "No Sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we can write as many tickets as we want."

4... "Just how big were those two beers??"

3... "In God we trust, all others we run through TCIC/NCIC."

2... "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST WE HAVE NUMBER ONE!!!

1... "Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets?? Well we don't.......Now, sign here please."

Dang, got nailed by the censor!!


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 09-01-2006, 01:04 AM
orvet's Avatar
orvet orvet is offline
Steel Addict
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Oregon
Posts: 113
What are the three most dangerous people in the Military (any branch)?

1- a Captain who says; "I've been thinking......"

2- A Lieutenant who says; "Based on my experience......"

3- A Chief Warrant Officer who says; "Hey guys, watch this........"
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 09-01-2006, 09:58 PM
SeasonedWarrior's Avatar
SeasonedWarrior SeasonedWarrior is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Mendocino Coast of California
Posts: 15
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

..........."SH#T!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 09-06-2006, 03:30 PM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift ofour time..

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week... they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those a$$holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f****** sheet rock..." Kind of brings a tear to the eye


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 09-06-2006, 11:59 PM
Ice Tigre's Avatar
Ice Tigre Ice Tigre is offline
Master
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Fairbanks, ALASKA
Posts: 862


Un fortunetly I can relate to the sentiment.....

G.


__________________
http://ak-adventurer.net/

Gary Blessing,
Ex-custom knife maker, Ex-Folder modifier & embelisher.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 09-07-2006, 04:11 PM
Don Halter's Avatar
Don Halter Don Halter is offline
Guru
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Katy, TX
Posts: 1,261
For some reason....my son came to mind when I read that last one Drac!


__________________
Don "Krag" Halter

Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 09-18-2006, 02:42 PM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 09-18-2006, 02:49 PM
Drac's Avatar
Drac Drac is offline
Living Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Richardson TX
Posts: 1,781
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom with a very attractive young woman.

"You sorry pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you and I want a divorce!"

And Jack (the husband) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!" And Jack began -

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, having compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair."

At this point Jack took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said: "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"


__________________
I cook with a flair for the dramatic,
and depraved indifference to calories
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 09-18-2006, 03:32 PM
Chris Daigle's Avatar
Chris Daigle Chris Daigle is offline
Master
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 814
Love the last one Jim.

Chris
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
blade


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:10 AM.




KNIFENETWORK.COM
Copyright © 2000
? CKK Industries, Inc. ? All Rights Reserved
Powered by ...

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
The Knife Network : All Rights Reserved