Drac
03-27-2009, 08:29 PM
HOW TO SIMULATE SHIPBOARD LIFE AT HOME
1. When commencing this simulation remember to lock all friends and family outside, communicating only with letters that your neighbors will hold for two weeks before delivering, losing one of every five.
2. Surround yourself with 800 people you don't like. Good choices for this are: People who chainsmoke, fart loudly, snore like a mack truck on a up hill grade and people who use expletives in speech the way kids use sugar on cold cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself off completely from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a TIME and NEWSWEEK magazine from last month, and a PLAYBOY magazine with all the pictures cut out.
4. Monitor all operating home appliances hourly, recording all vital parameters (plugged in, light comes on as door opens, etc.) If not in use log as "secured".
5. Do not flush the toliet for the first three days to simulate the smell of forty persons using the same commode. After that, flush once daily.
6. Wear only approved coveralls or proper navy uniforms. No special tee shirts, or cutoffs. Even though nobody really cares, clean and press one uniform once a week and wear it for twenty minutes, after which you must change back into your coveralls.
7. Work 18 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure your body doesn't know or care if it is daytime or nighttime.
8. Cut your hair once weekly, making it shorter each time until you are bald or look as if you tangled with a demented sheep-shearer.
9. Listen to your favorite cassette tape six times a day for two weeks. Then play music that causes acute nausea until you're glad to get back to your "favorite" cassette.
10. Cut a twin mattress in half lengthwise and enclose three sides. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position (eighteen inches is a good height). Place it on a platform that is at least six feet off the floor. Place a dead animal under your sheets to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's sheets.
11. Set your alarm clock to go off at the 'snooze' interval for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various alarms of watchstanders and night crew going off at an odd time and waking you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure that you're tossed from side to side for the remaining three hours. Alternately use a scustom built alarm clock that sounds like a fire alarm, a police whistle, and a newwave rock band combined to simulate the various drill alarms onboard a ship so that you will not get accustomed to ignoring your regular alarm clock.
12. Prepare all your food blindfolded. Use all the spices that you can grope for or use no spices at all to simulate shipboard food. Remove the blindfold and eat as humanly as possible. If the food doesn't stick to an inverted plate when cold, use more lard. If food contains more than one part per thousand fiber, dispose of it. Always take more than you can eat to keep up with the waste standards of the navy.
13. Periodically shut off the power at the main breaker and run around screaming, "Fire in the main engine! Fire in the main engine!" Do this until you're sweating profusely or you lose your voice, then restore power.
14. Buy a gas mask. Smear the seal with rancid animal fat and scrub the faceplate with steel wool until you can't see out of it. Wear this every two hours every fifth day, even to the bathroom.
15. Prepare yourself for an emergency that will require you to evacuate the premisses, knowing that if you exit, the biker gang you hired will simulate sharks and cut off your arms and legs. Study first aid for bleeding until you can quote the book verbatim.
16. Remove all plants, pictures, and decorations. Paint all furnishings and walls gray, white, or the shade of green of hospital O.R. scrubs.
17. Study the owners manual for all appliances in the dwelling. At regular intervals take each one apart and put it back together again. Test operate it at the extremes of its tolerances.
18. To make sure you are living in a clean and happy environment, every week clean from top to bottom, working hard all day even if it is only a three hour job. Whenever and as often as possible repeat your efforts. When complete, inspect your work, criticizing as much as possible. Never be satisfied with a good effort.
19. Once a dey plug in your television and watch a moview that you walked out on last year and then watch an episode of "Charlie's Angels" you didn't like the first two times you saw it.
20. Since you have no doctor, stock up on band-aids, motrin, and sudafed, which have been proven to cure every disease known to man.
21. To simulate liberty in foreign port, once every three weeks go outside directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Enter the raunchiest bar you can find and ask the bartender for a bottle of the most expensive imported beer he carries. Drink as many as you can in four hours, then hire a cab to take you back by the longest route he can find. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you're dressed funny. Lock yourself back into your dwelling for another three weeks.
22. This simulation must run for a ninimum of six months to be effective. The exact date of the end of this simulation will be changed no fewer than seven times without your knowledge. This is done to keep you guessing about when you can get back to semi-normal life. It is also done in hopes of screwing up any plans you have made or would like to make.
This guide was designed for those who would like to, but haven't had the chance to enjoy an extended period of time at sea.
1. When commencing this simulation remember to lock all friends and family outside, communicating only with letters that your neighbors will hold for two weeks before delivering, losing one of every five.
2. Surround yourself with 800 people you don't like. Good choices for this are: People who chainsmoke, fart loudly, snore like a mack truck on a up hill grade and people who use expletives in speech the way kids use sugar on cold cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself off completely from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a TIME and NEWSWEEK magazine from last month, and a PLAYBOY magazine with all the pictures cut out.
4. Monitor all operating home appliances hourly, recording all vital parameters (plugged in, light comes on as door opens, etc.) If not in use log as "secured".
5. Do not flush the toliet for the first three days to simulate the smell of forty persons using the same commode. After that, flush once daily.
6. Wear only approved coveralls or proper navy uniforms. No special tee shirts, or cutoffs. Even though nobody really cares, clean and press one uniform once a week and wear it for twenty minutes, after which you must change back into your coveralls.
7. Work 18 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure your body doesn't know or care if it is daytime or nighttime.
8. Cut your hair once weekly, making it shorter each time until you are bald or look as if you tangled with a demented sheep-shearer.
9. Listen to your favorite cassette tape six times a day for two weeks. Then play music that causes acute nausea until you're glad to get back to your "favorite" cassette.
10. Cut a twin mattress in half lengthwise and enclose three sides. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position (eighteen inches is a good height). Place it on a platform that is at least six feet off the floor. Place a dead animal under your sheets to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's sheets.
11. Set your alarm clock to go off at the 'snooze' interval for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various alarms of watchstanders and night crew going off at an odd time and waking you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure that you're tossed from side to side for the remaining three hours. Alternately use a scustom built alarm clock that sounds like a fire alarm, a police whistle, and a newwave rock band combined to simulate the various drill alarms onboard a ship so that you will not get accustomed to ignoring your regular alarm clock.
12. Prepare all your food blindfolded. Use all the spices that you can grope for or use no spices at all to simulate shipboard food. Remove the blindfold and eat as humanly as possible. If the food doesn't stick to an inverted plate when cold, use more lard. If food contains more than one part per thousand fiber, dispose of it. Always take more than you can eat to keep up with the waste standards of the navy.
13. Periodically shut off the power at the main breaker and run around screaming, "Fire in the main engine! Fire in the main engine!" Do this until you're sweating profusely or you lose your voice, then restore power.
14. Buy a gas mask. Smear the seal with rancid animal fat and scrub the faceplate with steel wool until you can't see out of it. Wear this every two hours every fifth day, even to the bathroom.
15. Prepare yourself for an emergency that will require you to evacuate the premisses, knowing that if you exit, the biker gang you hired will simulate sharks and cut off your arms and legs. Study first aid for bleeding until you can quote the book verbatim.
16. Remove all plants, pictures, and decorations. Paint all furnishings and walls gray, white, or the shade of green of hospital O.R. scrubs.
17. Study the owners manual for all appliances in the dwelling. At regular intervals take each one apart and put it back together again. Test operate it at the extremes of its tolerances.
18. To make sure you are living in a clean and happy environment, every week clean from top to bottom, working hard all day even if it is only a three hour job. Whenever and as often as possible repeat your efforts. When complete, inspect your work, criticizing as much as possible. Never be satisfied with a good effort.
19. Once a dey plug in your television and watch a moview that you walked out on last year and then watch an episode of "Charlie's Angels" you didn't like the first two times you saw it.
20. Since you have no doctor, stock up on band-aids, motrin, and sudafed, which have been proven to cure every disease known to man.
21. To simulate liberty in foreign port, once every three weeks go outside directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Enter the raunchiest bar you can find and ask the bartender for a bottle of the most expensive imported beer he carries. Drink as many as you can in four hours, then hire a cab to take you back by the longest route he can find. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you're dressed funny. Lock yourself back into your dwelling for another three weeks.
22. This simulation must run for a ninimum of six months to be effective. The exact date of the end of this simulation will be changed no fewer than seven times without your knowledge. This is done to keep you guessing about when you can get back to semi-normal life. It is also done in hopes of screwing up any plans you have made or would like to make.
This guide was designed for those who would like to, but haven't had the chance to enjoy an extended period of time at sea.